September 29, 2018

Lunch with Jane:

Got home late last night from Paris, but didn’t want to wait to see my stepmom. I went looking for macaroons specifically for Jane on Thursday evening so they would be as fresh as possible. I knew she would be expecting them.

Jane was sitting at the kitchen table when I arrived. I don’t normally visit on Saturdays so Jane’s caregivers didn’t know to wait for me. It’s ok. I squatted down next to Jane’s chair & made eye contact with her. When she realized it was me, she grew a huge smile – the kind that melts my heart. I sat down next to her & she held onto my hand tightly, smiling the entire time. I told her I had her macaroons she requested & when I set the tin in front of her, she immediately reached for it & tried to open it. I was afraid the macaroons would get squished on the long flight home so I found this cute tin & it worked like a charm! Jane was so excited! I can’t remember the last time I saw her smile so much. She even giggled with joy when I opened the tin for her & took out the macaroons. So worth bringing them home with me all this way.

Jane could not eat her macaroons fast enough. And once she was done, I asked her if they were delicious to which she said, “oh yes.” She grabbed my hand & squeezed it tight. I believe that was her way of saying thank you. I’m glad I am able to bring joy to her life.

After dessert, I grabbed Jane’s wheelchair for her & we headed to the clubhouse. It was just us at first & that made Jane happy. She kept smiling at me & was talking up a storm. I don’t know what she was saying but she had a lot to say! We texted with my dad & he said Jane had really missed me. I missed her too. When I told my dad how excited Jane had been for the macaroons he said yes, she sees you all the time but macaroons are a special treat! She has her priorities right. I read his text out loud & Jane laughed. Apparently my dad hit it on the head.

Once we were done texting with my dad, Jane & I discussed my trip to Paris. I had lots of pics to share & told her about my adventures. She & my dad had gone to Paris many years ago & I believe Jane remembers because a few of the pics of the top sights Jane would pause to look at more. I asked her about her trip with my dad & she answered some questions which tells me she remembers. She holds on most to special memories. And today was a good day for her so I feel she was able to retrieve those memories easier.

Another family came into the clubhouse to visit & it began to get loud in there. Jane doesn’t really like all the commotion & she was less engaged so we headed back to her house. I don’t know if its the loudness that bothers her or all the people being around. Jane has made it clear she likes one on one attention best so I always do my best to find that quiet spot for us to visit. It was a bit too hot to sit outside – but soon I hope we can get back to sitting under our trees to visit. We decided to head back to Jane’s house. I got her settled into the chair she likes best & sat with her for awhile. I hugged her when I got ready to leave & she leaned in close & held on to me tight. Her way of telling me she loves me. I told her I would see her again very soon & kissed her goodbye.

I never know how much time I have left with Jane. I never know what to expect when I drive up to her home. So often anymore she has bad days. Today really stood out. I hate to think my stepmom is suffering & I hate how bad days are the norm for her. But the bad days remind me how precious time is & remind me to show up & love my stepmom, even on the bad days. Today was proof for me that even when Jane seems distant, she still knows I am there & still feels my love. I think my dad is right & Jane did miss me while I was in Paris. She may no longer remember my name or remember I am her daughter, but she remembers she loves me. That is all I need.

I hate this disease.