September 21, 2017

Lunch with Jane

I flew home from Seattle yesterday morning & didn’t trust I could get from the airport to Jane before lunch so I asked my dad to swap days. Seems like it turned out in my favor to do that. When I talked with my dad this morning he said the last couple of days have been rough for Jane & yesterday she was so tired she didn’t even want to walk.

Today she was happy & we spent an hour outside together, enjoying the cooler temps here in Phoenix. We would walk & then sit under the trees for a few minutes to rest & chat. I told Jane about my trip & showed her a few pictures. She tried several times to talk to me, but all that came out was mumble jumble.

Jane seemed very happy today. Any time she looked into my eyes, she smiled. She held my hand tightly & a few times when we were sitting she patted me on the leg – her way of saying she loves me. My dad told me she recently told him she has loved him forever & he said well that’s not long enough & she giggled. I am continuously amazed (in a positive way) with her ability to let us know she loves us – even as the disease continues to strip more & more away from her. If you knew Jane before she became ill, or knew me well, you know expressing our love for one another was not something Jane or I did. But I can tell you without doubt today we feel only love for one another, which tells me the love was always there, it was just all the other bullshit that got in the way.

While Jane did her best to listen to my stories today, I don’t know that it all made sense. At times I could tell she was understanding – connecting what I was sharing. At other times, it was as if I was speaking a foreign language. There is so much we don’t know, don’t understand about this disease. Even as I watch it take my stepmom slowly away from us, there is so much I still don’t understand – can’t explain with certainty.

Today I had some personal thoughts on my mind – things I would have talked with Jane about over lunch or a shopping spree in the past. She was always so direct & seemed to know what I needed to hear – not what I wanted to hear. I shared these thoughts with Jane & told her I could really use her counsel. She listened & I know she had advice for me – I just couldn’t understand her words. These are the times that are the hardest for me because Jane is right there in front of me & I believe she is still very much there – just trapped in a cruel mind – not able to communicate with me. So I do my best to listen with my heart. I sure hope I am listening correctly.

Since it was Thursday, that meant different cupcake flavors so I had a new flavor for Jane today. Raspberry lemonade. There was a surprise in the middle – a lemon colored custard – I’m assuming it was lemon flavor. I made Jane giggle when I said “oh wow – look – there is a surprise in the middle!” She ate the entire cupcake & when I asked how it was she just said ok. I said, so not a favorite & she smiled & said no. Again – sometimes she is so clear with me – others not.

I am grateful for the good days – for the good visits. But like I told a friend earlier today, what we call a good day today we would have considered a bad day 6 months ago. She was happy, she wanted to walk, she recognized me & smiled at me. That is a good day.