October 25, 2017

My stepmom was happy to see me today & apparently really wanted to tell me something. Unfortunately, all that came out was jibber jabber & I don’t know what she wanted to tell me.

I stopped by the cupcake store on my way like always but there weren’t any new flavors so I opted for Jane’s favorite – lemon. I think she was happy with my choice because she gobbled it all down. Perhaps next Wednesday they will have a new flavor for her to try. I wish the switched up their flavors more often.

After lunch, Jane & I went for a walk. She was walking very slowly today but did manage to make a full lap before we sat under the trees in the courtyard. Jane was content to just sit there for quite a long time. Perhaps walking was causing her a challenge today. I talked to Jane about my trip to London & showed her all of the pics. I could always tell when she liked a pic because she would smile a big huge smile. They were always pics with me in them & I was smiling – having fun. Perhaps she enjoyed seeing that I am enjoying life. I am always so aware with her & I let all of my guards down which means I feel all of her emotions too. When she is happy I feel her joy – when she is sad I feel her sorrow. Jane seems to understand this connection & I don’t believe she likes to make me sad.

After sitting under the trees for 20 minutes, I asked Jane if she was ready to walk again. She needed my help to get up today, but did get up & we began to walk. This time she only wanted to walk to the clubhouse – to which we walked in & sat down. Again, she wanted to sit much longer than usual & it actually took serious coercion on my part to get her back up. I assumed she was tired so we headed back to her house. When we walked in I asked her if she would like to lie down & take a nap & she said yes. I walked with her to her room where she laid down on her bed. Normally this means she wants to rest & I cover her up. But today when I picked up her blanket to tuck her in to bed, she quickly got up. Clearly she did not want to nap. However at this time it was 1 & I needed to get back to work. I sat with Jane for a few minutes on the couch before leaving her. Most of her residents were sitting in the great room too. As I walked out, Jane hollered out, “What’s my name?” I said your name is Jane & you are my mom. She said ok & settled back in. It was an odd question & even odder that it was a full sentence when she had been speaking jabber all day. Was she struggling to make sense of everything today? I don’t know. She was very aware I was there – aware she knew me & liked me because she smiled several big smiles when looking at me. And when my Dad replied to our text pic saying she looked beautiful & he loved her, Jane flashed a huge ear to ear grin. Clearly she understood his text.

There is so much I just don’t understand about his disease. So many questions I wish Jane could answer for me – like where does she go when she is not so present & does she always understand everything I say to her or at times does it sound like jibber jash to her?

I hate this horrible disease. Yet I am grateful for every day I get with my stepmom. Even the hard days are days I still get with her. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow & I know there will come a day where I would gladly take a bad day over no day at all.