October 11, 2017

Wednesday lunch with Jane

Facebook reminds me every week I’ve been sharing my lunch dates with Jane for over a year. It reminds me of the pain & heartache & such a sense of helplessness I have felt while on this journey. I really should compile posts together somewhere off of FB – I think I will one day want to revisit our lunch dates.

Some days I want to scream & yell at the universe. Why did it take my stepmom becoming terminally ill for me to understand her? For me to find forgiveness for all the heartache I believed she caused me? For me to forgive myself for being so hard on her? Would I have found this love I feel for her & I know she feels for me had she not become ill? Was I already on this journey of love & self discovery or did her illness at such a young age catapult my learning? And why is she not able to tell me how she feels? I tell her everything in my heart – every day I see her – I just can’t understand her words. Oh the conversations she & I should be having! My only solace is the fact that I do believe in an after life. I do believe one day Jane & I will have the conversations I so desperately want to have with her today. For now, it has to be enough to feel her squeeze my hand or watch her smile touch her eyes when she sees me.

Jane was pretty quiet today. Yesterday was her & my dad’s anniversary. My dad made her a special lunch to celebrate. I asked her if her love had brought her something special yesterday & she smiled so much her eyes twinkled & said “oh yes!” I’m guessing today’s lunch was a let down after that. But Jane never complained – she just happily ate bite after bite for me. If you remember, Jane wasn’t crazy about last week’s cupcake flavor so today I opted for her favorite – lemon. When we sat down together at the kitchen table, I told her I chose her favorite today. She smiled. The cupcake comes in a box which we typically don’t unwrap until I finish feeding her lunch. As I unwrapped the cupcake & told Jane it was lemon, she looked me deep in the eyes & smiled. There was so much love in her eyes – I knew she was happy. As I was feeding her the cupcake, I asked her if this was still her favorite. She said yes. I then asked, “is it as good as you remembered?” To which she said “oh yes!”

I will never understand this horrible disease. I will never understand why she can remember some things but not others; why she can respond to some questions & not others. I am grateful, for the most part, Jane always remembers I am her daughter. She always remembers she loves me & except on really bad days, always finds a way to tell me she loves me. I know this is not always the case with this disease. All I can say is my stepmom was always one of the most stubborn & strong willed people I know & I believe it is this same spirit that allows her to hold on to those she loves.

After lunch, Jane & I went for our walk. We took a lap & then sat under the shade of the tree to rest, take our picture & chat. Jane was mostly quiet today & didn’t engage much in the stories I shared with her. Though when I would say something that sparked her interest, she would do her best to tell me. When Jane felt rested, we took another lap & then rested again under the trees. Even though Jane was walking slowly, she wanted to walk, so we took a 3rd lap. I mentioned to her I had Gary order her another pair of shoes similar to the ones I bought her recently. I asked her if she would like another pair of the shoes she was wearing & she said oh yes. As you can tell, “oh yes” is her way of showing excitement. After our third lap, I was worried Jane would get too warm so we went inside to watch tv together. Myron was flipping the channels like usual & never seemed to settle on a show very interesting, but I don’t think Jane minded. Myron & Jane have both lived in this home for almost 2 years – she gets it makes him feel better to flip channels & she doesn’t care. I’m not sure she watches tv anyway – she just likes the company of her other house mates.

After sitting on the couch with Jane for quite some time, I needed to leave & get back to work. I told Jane this & she said ok & smiled – then leaned in for me to kiss her goodbye. I always kiss her on the forehead as I leave & apparently she has come to expect this.

Today was an uneventful day. It wasn’t a good day, but it wasn’t a bad day either. It was simply a day I was afforded time to sit with my stepmom & tell her about my life – even if she couldn’t respond with advice or an opinion. I am grateful the time I have – even if I do want to scream & yell at the universe when I get home.

Dementia sucks

I hate this disease