November 6, 2019

Went to see Jane tonight after work like I do every week. I was at work late, so when I arrived, they were bringing in dinner. I asked Jane if we should wait for dinner to be served. She didn’t respond. I asked if she wanted to go outside before dinner & she said yes. So outside we went.

Jane was jabbering a lot tonight. She seemed determined to tell me something, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t make sense of her jabber. She held my hand & jabbered the entire 45 minutes we sat under the tree. Even when I tried to talk to her, she jabbered. It was odd – not typical behavior.

I had noticed right when I arrived, Jane had a huge red mark on the side of her neck. She also had what looked like a pimple or a lump of some sort on the other side of her neck. I asked my dad about it – he said she was fine yesterday. When Jane & I went back inside, I asked Nelson about it. He said he too had noticed it when he arrived to work today. It was not there yesterday. He had notified the med techs but had not heard any more. When I left, I found Deborah, the nurse, & I talked to her about it. She was concerned & immediately left me to visit Jane. She said she would take pics & send to the doc for further direction.

Jane ate her dinner well tonight & seemed content. When Nelson brought over her plate, he noticed she had slipped some in her wheelchair. He lifted her right back up with ease. She scowled at him. I teased how easily he took care of that when she had fought me to adjust her just a few minutes before. She smiled & attempted a laugh. It’s amazing to me how sometimes my step mom is able to sneak out from under this horrible disease. It is so like her to be difficult for me, but easy for Nelson. Honestly, I don’t even mind because it’s moments like that when I feel super connected to Jane – feel like my stepmom really is still there.

After dinner, I wheeled Jane over to the tv. Something seemed off so I sat with her for a while. Both of her eyes were watering. She had her eyes closed & when she opened them, they seemed glazed over. Was she having a seizure? Was she crying? She was heaving her chest like when you are crying really hard. I was worried about her. I asked her if she was crying. She didn’t answer. Jane hasn’t cried for a long time – she hasn’t had the ability. So did she know she was crying? Was she feeling the emotion? Was she crying because she was in pain & it was just her body’s natural reaction? Was she about to have a seizure? I just don’t know. Eventually Beatrice came over & said she thought Jane was upset because she had soiled her pants. I didn’t buy that, but allowed her to wheel Jane off anyway to change her. Jane probably did need to be changed. I just don’t believe that was causing her tears.

Dementia is a cruel disease. It takes away so much from you. Like the ability to show emotion. I believe Jane still feels the emotion inside, she’s simply unable to express it. I can’t imagine how that makes her feel.

I hate this disease.