November 30, 2016

My lunch date was pretty in pink again today. It’s funny, Jane never really wore pink before but since she lost her ability to understand what clothes to wear, my dad does all her shopping. And he is always concerned with what would look best on her. I have to say, pink is a really great color for Jane. She gets lots of compliments when we walk around the center, which she loves. Anything to bring a smile to her face.

It’s a bit chilly here in Phoenix despite the blue skies, so we didn’t spend as much time sitting in our swing today. For the most part, Jane has lost her language. She is able to get random words out, but most of her speech is jibber jabber. Today she was determined to tell me something – I could see it in her eyes. Some days I can understand the basic concept she wants to get across, other times I’m clueless. Today I was not understanding her & she was determined. If you knew my stepmom before she became ill, you know she was incredibly determined. That spirit fought hard today. At one point during our walk, Jane stopped me, grabbed both my hands & stared deeply into my eyes. She was concentrating so we stood still. Clear as day she said “Gary, I love him so much.” I told her he loved her just as much. She nodded & then was back to jibber jabber. That was all she could muster. So we sat on the swing & chatted with my dad via text. He was at Costco shopping for her, which she liked. I told her I loved her & she smiled & nodded. It’s been awhile since she has been able to tell me she loves me, but she always finds a way to show me, whether through a big smile as she looks deep in my eyes or a gentle pat on my hand. I know.

I hate this disease. I hate seeing my stepmom so frail & unsure. I hate that she & my dad are not gallivanting all around the world together, sending me postcards from new locations like they always planned. I hate that each time I see my stepmom my heart breaks a little more. Good thing I’ve rescued so many dogs over the past 4 years who have all left me a bit of their heart when they go to their forever home.

Appreciate every single moment. Love those around you fully every day. Don’t dwell on sadness & broken hearts – instead soak up all the memories & joys.

Dementia sucks.