November 25, 2018

It’s been a busy weekend so I am just getting around to posting.

On thanksgiving, my dad & I went to visit my stepmom together for lunch. We normally visit her separately because I think we both enjoy the one on one time with Jane – and honestly – I think Jane likes it too. But for the holiday, we both wanted to see her.

My dad arrived first & was feeding Jane lunch when I showed up. He finished & then swapped me places so I could feed Jane her cupcake. Yes, I remembered on Wednesday to swing by the cupcake store & grab one for Jane. I was a bit disappointed they didn’t have anything special for Thanksgiving. I was told if I wanted something special I should have ordered it. Seems kind of silly to me. I mean wouldn’t most people want a fun turkey themed cupcake the day before thanksgiving? But I suppose that isn’t really important.

Jane was happy to see both of us, but she was tired. After lunch I grabbed her wheelchair & we helped her into it. My dad is so gentle, so loving with her. I love my dad, but gentle is not a word I typically use to describe him. I am both proud & impressed by the way he has adjusted to caring for his wife through this horrible disease.

My dad wheeled Jane & I walked behind her. She reached out for my hand. I sped up my walk to be beside her & she held on to my hand tightly. We tried to sit under the trees to visit, but my dad decided it was too cold so we headed inside to the clubhouse.

Another family had brought thanksgiving dinner to share with their loved one – also a resident of the facility. It was a little loud but Jane didn’t mind. She was tired & the disease seemed to be winning. For much of our visit, she sat with her eyes closed. It’s ok – we didn’t mind. We were just happy to have some time with Jane.

As we were sitting in the clubhouse, one of the husband’s of another resident walked in with his son. He also visits his wife every day so he & my dad have become friends. I see him on the days I visit, but never more than a hello. He introduced my dad to his son & then told us they were close to the end for his wife. His son said it had been a hastened trip for him to arrive. My dad said your journey will soon be complete.

After I left, I couldn’t stop thinking of this other family. They were so calm, almost at peace with the inevitable. Will I feel this way with Jane? Will she warn us before it’s her time to leave or will she leave us suddenly via stroke or something else? How much longer do we have? How much control does Jane have over when she leaves this life? I mean my stepmom is pretty damn stubborn. Is that why she is still here today?

This disease is horrible. It’s incredibly cruel & I believe my stepmom is suffering. She has no quality of life. And I know without a doubt, this is not a life she would want. My dad tells me regularly if he ever develops his disease to take him to the desert & leave him. Meaning he doesn’t want to live this way. So I can’t figure out why he believes his wife would want to live this way? Does he really believe she would want this? I mean she is only getting worse. There is absolutely no chance for her to improve. Is she going to hold on until she completely forgets us all? I’m not sure I can handle that. She may no longer remember I am her daughter, but she remembers she loves me. She remembers she loves my dad. She remembers she loves my sister, my brother & my sister-in-law. She recognizes us & smiles when she sees us. It comforts her when we visit. What happens if she forgets us? Will she die believing she is all alone?

So many questions. I may never receive my answers.

I hate this disease.