November 23, 2016

I hate this disease called dementia. It is mean & unusually cruel. My stepmom is 65 – we should be laughing & making a mess of the kitchen while we make pies for Thanksgiving. Instead, I spent the morning mentally preparing for my visit. I never know how I will find Jane each week – what the disease will have robbed from her today. I do my best to be strong for her, but it breaks my heart every time I see her.

She recognized me today & was happy to see me, but she was struggling with different issues. Sometimes her language cooperated with her, sometimes not. No matter what, she looked to me to respond. She was also hallucinating a bunch today. Jane would see people I did not. Par for the course I suppose.

My sister had updated her FB pictures today with a family photo & a photo of her 2 kids. I showed the pics to Jane – not knowing if it would bring her joy or upset. I don’t think she always understands the concept of photos on my phone. Luckily she recognized her family right away & grinned ear to ear. I said Jane – will you smile for Bobbi & let me take your picture? She said yes & did! This is huge! Jane has not been able to smile on command for at least 6 months, probably longer. And I doubt she will be able to do it again. But this afternoon, in that moment, she was aware & wanted to share her joy with her daughter who is far away. When I showed her the pic of my niece & nephew, Jane said wow! And flashed a big smile. I said “are those your grandkids?” And she said YES! It’s the little joys I take comfort in. Tomorrow will be bittersweet. I am grateful I get to spend the day with my dad, brother & sister-in-law & grateful my stepmom is still alive. But we sure will miss Jane around the dinner table.