November 22, 2017
Wednesday lunch with Jane
This is always the hardest time of year for me – when I miss my step mom the most. I love Thanksgiving – it’s my favorite holiday. And before Jane’s disease took over, I would host a huge house of people for thanksgiving dinner, but Wednesday night I always went to my Dad & Jane’s house so Jane & I could bake all the goodies for Thursday. We would make a huge mess in the kitchen & laugh & have a great time. And we never let my dad help – it was just us. Even in all the years where our relationship was full of tension & anger, this one night of the year was just the two of us – letting our guard down & having fun. Even today as I reminded Jane of the past she smiled from ear to ear – she remembers too & they were special memories for her too.
Dementia freezes you in this odd stage of life. I mourn my stepmom because she isn’t really here – she isn’t able to bake with me the night before Thanksgiving, she won’t get up early with me on Friday morning to go shop, she can’t even communicate with me. Yet she isn’t gone either. She still lives & breathes. Still holds my hand, hugs me & smiles when her eyes connect with mine. If you have’t experienced it you won’t understand. And if you have never experienced it, I am grateful. It is a pain, a sorrow I would never wish on another. This is why we need a cure. Too many people experience this horrible disease with their loved ones.
I met a new woman today who recently moved into Jane’s home. Jane was super quiet today so I took some extra time to chat with this new resident. She is nowhere near the stage as Jane – she is still very much aware of her surroundings & able to hold a full conversation with me. She told me she has 2 sons who live near by & how they always have a huge thanksgiving party, yet neither of her sons had asked to come pick up their mom & take her to the party. From what I could tell, she is absolutely able to join the party. Will she repeat the same story over & over & perhaps need some extra care – sure. But she still wants to be a part of the family & enjoy the party. My heart broke for her as I could feel the heartache in her words. Just because someone is ill does not mean they don’t want to still participate in family affairs. I will never understand how someone could turn their back on a person in need. Of course – I would never understand how someone gives up their dog either.
Today was a rough day. Jane was sitting at the kitchen table when I walked in waiting for her lunch. She didn’t look up at me, just held her head down. I had to sit down next to her, take both of her hands in mine & talk to her before Jane would look up at me. Once her eyes connected with mine, she recognized me & smiled. Where was she before that? Why did she not hear me walk in? Jane ate well & was happy with my cupcake choice – lemon – her favorite. I also told her I picked up a second cupcake so she would have one tomorrow. I got pecan pie flavor for tomorrow – my Dad’s favorite. I said are you going to share with Gary? She shook her head no. I said yeah – tell him to keep his hands off your cupcake – it’s only for you! She giggled. She’s still in there – she still understands. And I am grateful I have the ability to make her laugh sometimes.
We went for a walk after lunch. It was nice under the shade of the trees so we sat for quite some time. Jane was tired, but she didn’t want to go in, so I sat with her, holding her hand. I talked with her a bit, but she didn’t seem interested in talking today. She simply wanted me to sit with her & hold her hand. So that’s what we did. I am grateful I have the ability to step away from my world for a few hours & simply be present with Jane. I am grateful for the time I have with her & the love she always makes a point to show me. I hope I bring some brightness to her day & I hope she knows how much I love her. She will be missed tomorrow at dinner, but I know many stories will be told & she will be with us in spirit.
I hate this disease.
