November 15, 2017

Wednesday lunch with Jane.

Had to drop Denali off with his other foster mom, Monica, & of course he puked on the way. Why does he always do that when he knows I am heading to the airport? Luckily it wasn’t too hard to clean up this time because I had an important lunch date!

Jane had a seizure in the middle of the night. We don’t know many details because the night crew didn’t communicate much to the day crew. I will admit – this is a big pet peeve of mine. A seizure is not status quo & more details should have been shared. Jane appeared to be ok when I got there & honestly seemed just like any other day so I assume it was a minor seizure.

My dad told me about the seizure this morning so I was on full alert when I arrived today. Jane was sitting at the kitchen table & seemed content. I sat down next to her & she looked me deep in the eyes & smiled as she reached for my hand. I told her I brought her favorite cupcake today & she smiled. While she was eating it I asked her if the cupcake made her happy & she smiled again & said yes. She was a bit quieter but it honestly wasn’t different from most days anymore.

When Jane was done with her cupcake I asked her if she would like to walk. She nodded yes so I helped her up. I’m always a little cautious after she has a seizure but she seemed to walk fine & was happy to be outside with me. We made a lap & then sat under the trees. We texted my dad & when he responded Jane smiled. So she was definitely alert today. However, she wanted to sit for quite some time today – normally it’s just a couple of minutes before we are up making another lap. It’s a beautiful day today in Phoenix & it feels nice in the shade so I didn’t mind sitting longer. As we were walking, we passed one of the med techs – Marianne. She told me Jane was not to be walking today because she had a seizure. I told her Jane was walking just fine & I had a firm grip on her. I refuse to take things away from Jane which make her happy. She enjoys her daily walks & as long as she is able to walk, I will take her. It’s the same reason I bring her a cupcake every time I visit. Anything I can do to bring her happiness I will. We completed our 2nd lap & then Jane headed for home – she was tired.

When we walked inside Jane’s house, I asked her if she wanted a nap or if she wanted to watch tv. She didn’t respond to me but walked with purpose towards the couch. I said ok, we can sit here together. I helped her sit on the couch & I sat next to her. She held my hand on her lap & fell asleep. But she wouldn’t let go of my hand – she was very intent on holding on to me. When it was time for me to leave, Jane woke up so I asked her if she would like to go lay down & take a nap. She said no – I’m scared. I asked her if the seizure had scared her & she just stared at me. That’s the only reason I could think of for her to be scared to lay in her bed because she has never been afraid before. I sat with her for a few minutes longer & told her she was safe & had nothing to worry about. I left her sitting on the couch & told her it was fine to nap there – I would ask Emely to keep her safe.

I don’t know what causes Jane to have these minor seizures. I don’t know what it feels like to her & why it is possibly causing her to be afraid. I asked lots of questions & yet she seems unable to tell me more. The most I got out of her was that she was afraid & when I first arrived & asked how she was, she told me not good. I feel so helpless. I hate this horrible disease! I kissed Jane on the forehead & told her I loved her as I got up to leave. I hate that I am heading out of town today, but I know my stepmom would be so angry with me if I put my life on hold. I will do my best to honor her & keep her close in my thoughts at all times. If I can energetically be there for her – I will. We do have a deep connection so I am going to believe in the unknown & trust she feels my energy & love – even from a distance.

I hate this horrible disease.