November 1, 2017
The visits are getting harder – more emotionally draining. Yet at the same time I am incredibly grateful for the time with my stepmom. As long as she is still breathing I will visit her & give her my full attention.
Jane was upset with me today when I first arrived. I was late & she had eaten her lunch & was waiting for her dessert, but I know that’s not why she was mad. She could care less who feeds her – she simply wants the time. She is upset with me because I let her down after our last visit. She was so upset she grudgingly at her cupcake. I brought her a new flavor today – Pecan pie. That is my dad’s favorite & Jane knows it. she smiled when I told her the flavor & did take a moment to tell me it was delicious. But the entire time I fed her, I could feel her angst with me. I told her I understood & we would talk during our walk.
I went to visit Jane on Saturday. We had a deeply spiritual conversation & a private conversation I choose not to share at this time. She had questions I don’t have answers to. And she also worries about my dad. I promised – like I always do – to look after him. Jane & I have a very strong bond. It wasn’t always like that – but it is today. I am an empath & very intuitive – when I allow myself to be open in that way. With Jane, I fully open my heart to her & she fully opens her heart to me. It allows us to connect on a spiritual level & even when I can’t understand her words, I can understand her emotions – most of the time. I always repeat to her what I am interpreting & she nods yes or pats my hand if it’s yes – says No if I am wrong. Jane utilized this connection on Saturday to have a very heartfelt conversation about death. But I don’t have the answers she seeks. All I can do is share my beliefs with her. I think she wanted more – expected me to find the answers. I can’t tell you how much longer I have with Jane – it may still be long. But it was clear to me she is aware of her illness & she is aware it will kill her. She never seemed scared – more at peace with the inevitable & trying to understand what to expect. So my guess is she was upset with me today because it’s been a few days & I had not returned with her answers.
As we walked outside Jane squeezed both of my hands tightly. We had not walked far down the sidewalk when she stopped to look me deep into the eyes. I looked right back at her & said I talked with my dear friend who lost her dad last year about the end. I shared with Jane what had been shared with me. I reiterated again like I had on Saturday it is my belief Jane has the final say on when she lets go. The entire time Jane looked intently into my eyes & held tightly to my hands. When I was done talking she said ok. I then said & I promise I will look after Gary. She nodded her head & said thank you. And then we walked & Jane was no longer upset with me. She stopped many times today to look me deep into my eyes & would smile – she was telling me she loved me. At one point I said we have a very deep bond – don’t we? She said YES, smiled & squeezed my hand tightly.
Life is such an amazing journey. Just 5 years ago if you would have told me I would sit with my stepmom & feel absolutely nothing but love for her I would have said you were crazy. To say we had a tumultuous relationship as step-mother & step-daughter is putting it lightly. We both had challenges & both made mistakes. But I am so grateful to have found forgiveness & to be able to experience this connection with Jane. I wish we would have experienced this before she became ill, but perhaps his was all part of the grander scheme of life.
Forgive quickly & easily. Love fully. And never take anything for granted. This life is magical but not one of us is guaranteed a tomorrow. Tell those you love how you feel. If you make a mistake, apologize quickly & mean it. And always look for the beauty in the moments.
