May 8, 2021

Visited Jane today. It’s been a couple of weeks.

With the covid restrictions, the only possible time for me to visit are the weekends & even then you must make an appointment ahead of time. I learned the hard way, this means I need to plan ahead because the weekend spots fill up quickly.

Luckily I was able to secure a spot today.

The restrictions are constantly becoming more restrictive, despite the fact that Jane is fully vaccinated & we’ve been told by our government that is the solution to opening things back up. Apparently we aren’t on board for fully opening up to those living in memory care facilities. Now I have to stand outside the facility & wait for the receptionist to come take my temperature & check me in. There is a covid form I must complete EVERY time I visit. Luckily my dad scanned in the form & emailed me a copy so at least I don’t have to complete it again every time I visit – I simply print off a copy & sign it. I then need to wait for Jack or Sara to come get me & take me to the designated meeting place with Jane. They will then go retrieve Jane & bring her to me. They will do this again at the end of our visit. All to keep everyone “safe.”

Don’t get me wrong – I am grateful I am finally able to see my stepmom again, but all the restrictions truly make me question the sanity of our government. I mean let’s be real – Jane has a horrific, terminal disease. I am not worried about covid killing her. She has sadly suffered a much worse fate. However – I am worried about her dying alone, or dying feeling like her family abandoned her. I don’t believe she understands why we stopped visiting. I truly am amazed she lived through the entire ordeal because I always believed she held on because she loved us so much & was not ready to leave us. When we stopped visiting (because we were forced to not visit) I assumed she would lose her will to die.

But if there is one message this disease keeps loudly proclaiming it is that you just never know.

The truth is that none of us are guaranteed tomorrow – no matter our age or health. All we have is this current moment. It is in our best interest to enjoy every moment we have – even the hard ones.

Jane was semi alert today. She stared deeply into my eyes & listened intently while I talked. But there was no light in her eyes. If the saying the eyes are the window to the soul are true, then Jane’s soul was dark & blank today. Perhaps her soul was simply elsewhere today. I believe our souls live for eternity & as we get closer to death, our souls are able to come & go from this life & where ever it is that exists beyond this life. This other world is where all our loved ones exist who have previously left this world. It’s a warm & happy place. A place with no pain – only love. I hope for Jane’s sake she is able to spend most of her time in this space. Because this damn disease has made her existence in this life utter misery.

I watched Jack wheel Jane back to her house after I hugged her & told her I loved her. And I noticed the resident feral cat was snoozing on one of the chairs. She’s lived here as long as Jane & normally does not want to be bothered by me. But today as I approached, she lifted her head to me & let me pet her. She seemed to really enjoy it & leaned in closer. She meowed at me when I stopped petting her as if to say, “hey – I didn’t say to stop!” The residents weren’t allowed to move around freely during the quarantine so perhaps this cat had missed her human friends. I will admit – I was happy to see she had stayed all that time & not moved on to live elsewhere.

I don’t know how much longer I have left with my stepmom. I don’t know how much she is aware of what’s going on. I hope for her to find peace soon. And while I will miss her like crazy, I know it won’t be the last time I will see her.