May 17, 2017

Wednesday lunch with Jane:

The last several visits have been good, so I knew we were due for a bad day. Doesn’t make it any easier.

Jane was quiet & somber today. She gave me a half smile when I arrived, but that was the most expression I would receive the entire visit. The cupcake didn’t even do the trick. I’m sure she still enjoyed the cupcake because she gobbled up every bite, but she didn’t answer when I asked how it was or what flavor she wanted next.

I know Jane still hears me when I talk to her & understands I am talking to her because she looks at me when I speak. And I believe she understands – at least for the most part – what I am saying to her. But today she seemed unable to respond to me in any fashion. In the past, she communicates with head nods or taps on my hand when her speech is failing her. Today, she seemed unable to respond. Like it just took way too much effort to convince her body to respond.

We went for our usual walk after lunch, but Jane was really slow today & needed to stop often for breaks. We sat under the shade of one of the big trees for awhile & just held hands. It seems to comfort Jane to hold on to my hand. We had only done 2 laps today when I sensed Jane was done. I asked her if she wanted to go sit & watch tv & she didn’t respond. I said would you like to go lay down & take a nap? To that she nodded yes. The only question she fully answered for me today. When we went inside, she headed towards her room & leaned on me for support to lay down. It just seemed like her brain & body were not able to communicate today.

It was a tough visit today. I am grateful for the time with Jane but man does it hurt to watch her like this. The thought of her struggling tears my heart apart. I hope that this disease is decent enough to take away her ability to know suffering.