March 8, 2017

Wednesday lunch with Jane:

I was a little earlier today than usual & lunch was a little later today than usual. Jane was sitting in a chair in the family room with her back to me when I walked in. I said hello to one of the other residents when I walked in & Jane recognized my voice – she stood up to look for me. When she locked eyes with mine, she smiled from ear to ear. Jane wasn’t ready to sit for lunch yet so she led me around the house for awhile. She doesn’t understand each person has a room so she wanders – most of the residents don’t mind because they do the same thing. But there is one woman who apparently doesn’t like people in her room. She told me at lunch my mom wasn’t allowed in her room.

We sat to lunch which was beef stroganoff – Jane was fine with the beef & noodles, but did not like the zuccini they had also put on her plate. I told her she didn’t have to eat it. At this stage of the disease, I don’t care if she eats her vegetables – but I will always make sure she is offered her dessert. Jane has always loved dessert & she always smiles when I remind her when we go out for dinner with my dad if she wanted dessert she would always say, “Jennifer wants dessert so we better have some.”

I am grateful my stepmom remembers me. I am grateful my visits seem to bring some comfort to her life. But I hate how I feel the distance between us building. She really has no language – she may try to talk but it’s jibber jabber. And she’s having more & more moments of not comprehending what I say to her. I used to ask her yes & no questions & she could respond. Now when I ask a question, most of the time she just stares blankly at me like she has no concept I asked her a question. She knows she feels safe with me. She knows she feels close to me. But I doubt she remembers why anymore – she just knows the way I make her feel. It’s crazy to think things I took for granted just a few months ago I wish I had back. So instead of focusing on what we have lost, I focus on what we still have. The smiles of recognition, always wanting to hold my hand, the way she leans her head against mine when I lean in to her, the stop on our walks for hugs. This disease will eventually take every part of Jane away from us. There is no cure, no slowing it down anymore. Only acceptance of what is to come. I always tell Jane everything in my heart. I never leave without kissing her goodbye & telling her I love her. I never know when it will be the last. But you know what I realized this past week? This is true of everyone in our life. So I am doing my best with everyone in my life to always tell them what they mean to me – to always make them feel special, valued, appreciated. And I try to remember that while my mom & dad may not be battling dementia, they need me too. So I do my best to share everything in my heart for them too.

None of us are promised tomorrow. Lead with love & speak from your heart & you will never be left with regrets.