March 4, 2020

Truth about my reality:

I’ve begun to HATE Wednesdays.

Wednesdays are my day to visit Jane. I don’t want to visit her. I immediately feel overwhelmed with guilt for feeling that way because of course I want to see her. But shit is it HARD!!!

I am an empath. I read energy. I feel the emotions of those around me. It can be an amazing gift. It can also be an immense burden if I’m not careful. I’ve learned to shield myself & not take on too much of others’ emotions. But years ago, I made a decision to always stay open with Jane – to share her emotions. It’s given me a deeper understanding to her & how she feels. But now – it can be really hard.

She is confused.

She is frustrated.

She is scared.

I wish I could somehow share my emotions to her so I could replace her emotions with love, peace & calm.

I’ve been trying to understand how to help my stepmom cross over. To leave this world & move into a world where her spirit is free. I’ve been doing lots of research. I believe there is a thin veil between this world & that after – what we call death. I believe as we near death, we are able to see through this veil & speak to those on the other side. The closer we come to death, the more at ease we feel. But we must be ready to leave this world.

Tonight while I visited with Jane, I saw her flip from smiling & calm to scared & distraught. She kept flipping back & forth instantly like when you flip on & off a light switch. It was one extreme or the other – nothing in between. I told my dad it was as if she were Dr. Jeckyl & Mr. Hyde. It was a bizarre phenomenon. The only explanation I have – she is calm when she is part of another realm – the world beyond death. But since she has yet to make peace with dying, when she re-enters this realm, she greets it with fear.

Tonight I tried my best to help her understand death is nothing to fear. To help her understand at this stage in the disease, death will be a welcome relief. Not just for her – but for those she loves as well.

I admit, Jane & I did not always have the best relationship. But one thing I always admired of her – even when I hated her – was her strength. Jane did not take shit from anyone. When her mom died when she was 15, Jane stepped in to be the mother figure to her younger sister & brother. When her dad died when she was 18 & her sister & brother were wicked away by older siblings & Jane was left alone, she rose to the occasion & thrived. She raised my brother Matt on her own for many years, despite being young herself. No matter what shit life threw at her, she always seemed to rise to the occasion & come out even stronger. She never wanted to depend on anyone & I guarantee she would never, ever want to be a burden on her family.

So why the fuck can my strong ass stepmom not tell this shitty disease to sit the fuck down & allow her to die in peace?!?! Why must it insist she go out this way? Hasn’t it already stolen enough from her, from my dad, from her kids? I know this is not what she wants. And I know if she is capable, she will take control. But that’s the problem with this disease. It has taken all of the control.

So tonight I did my best to remind her of her strength. To let her see herself the way I’ve always seen her. And I shared with her again my belief of the world beyond death. To help her believe it is peaceful, serene & something to look forward to. To help her believe she isn’t saying goodbye to us – merely leaving this disease ridden body. She is so far gone with the disease, I no longer feel confident she understood. But that doesn’t stop me from trying. I will always try – until the very end.

The last few weeks have been very difficult for me. I leave my visits distraught & depressed. Those emotions cling to me for days. I can’t tell you why they’ve become so much harder but I feel like I’ve fallen off a cliff. I hope it means the end is nearing. In case it doesn’t, I’ve been working to deal. I’ve reached out to friends, I’ve talked to my boss about the situation & how it effects me – he’s been amazing at lifting my spirits at work. I’ve talked to my dad & I have talked to my mom about how I feel. I’ve stopped feeling ashamed I’m not strong enough & chosen instead to own my feelings & fears & simply live in the moment. And I began listening to Kimberly Williams-Paisley tell her story of her mom & her battle of dementia in her book “Where the Light Gets In.” I’ve stopped & started this book many times over the years because it was too painful – it hit too close to home. But now, her honestly resonates with me & makes me feel unashamed for all the emotions I feel. I still cry often as I listen because I share her pain, but somehow it feels almost cathartic.

I don’t know how this story ends. I don’t know if I am strong enough to see my stepmom through to the end. But I do know I will do my very best every single day for both my stepmom & my dad.

I hate this fucking disease!!!!!