March 30, 2017
Moved my weekly lunch with Jane to today at my Dad’s request. Grateful I have flexibility in my work schedule to adjust my visits. Since we moved Jane into a facility almost 18 months ago, my dad has made certain Jane has a daily visitor. We don’t take for granted the support we have from friends. There are many residents living in the same facility as Jane & many days only a handful of visitors come the entire day.
My brother & sister-in-law were visiting today too. Luckily Jane recognized each of us & smiled to each one individually. But that was the highlight. Jane was very quiet today – almost aloof. It seems the disease is taking more away from her as I get the sense many of the things I say to her make no sense. She still eats for me, but makes no effort to help like she has in the past. She sits in her chair with her hands to her side & simply opens her mouth when she wants more. She relies much more on me for assistance both sitting down in the chair & getting up. She holds my hand when we walk & now it feels much more like a lifeline than just holding on for affection. My brother commented on her pace & he was spot on – she was moving incredibly slow today.
Jane has a huge bruise next to her eye & I noticed a few more bruises on her body. When I inquired with the aid in Jane’s house she said what she was told was that Jane had fallen on Saturday but she didn’t have any more info than that. While we were in the clubhouse, one of the nurses came by so I asked her about it. Luckily she had more info for me. Apparently Jane is having challenges with her vision. She seems to think she is closer to chairs than she actually is, which has caused her to fall a couple of times. The doctor was there today & Jane was on her list so we may have more info soon. But as my sister in law said, what good are tests? We are not looking to prolong Jane’s life – simply looking to keep her as comfortable as possible. I can’t tell you if it’s her body beginning to fail Jane, or simply the disease taking abilities away. But Jane is moving farther & farther away. Her language abilities are gone & I feel her comprehension of language is leaving. I used to talk to Jane & knew she understood. Now her most common reaction is a blank stare.
As we were leaving today, I reminded Jane her birthday is Sunday. It was clear she had no idea what that meant. I asked her if I should bake homemade cupcakes & bring to her on Sunday & she nodded yes. I don’t know if the cupcakes will bring the same joy as they have in the past, but I will make cupcakes this weekend & take for the entire house & hope it does bring joy.
I hate this disease. I hate that my brother & I talk so casually of our mother’s death because we know it’s coming – and likely sooner than we are ready for. I hate that I have no idea how Jane really feels. I hate that the light in her eyes is rarely there anymore. I love that I have the ability to see her & hold her hand, to tell her what’s in my heart, to forgive her. Because I know a day will come when I will no longer see her, no longer be able to hold her hand. And I know we aren’t always given the opportunity to say goodbye to those we love.
