March 15, 2017

What happens when you die? Is it instantaneous or when you are terminally ill like my stepmom, is it a slow, yet gradual process? I believe we all have souls & there is a world beyond this human life. When we are close to death, does the veil begin to open & allow us to witness what comes next? Do we spend time between the two worlds before we fully cross over?

Today Jane was very quiet. She did not speak to me, she did not smile when she looked at me, there was no light in her eyes. She was there, but she wasn’t. I know she recognized me because I feel her sense of trust in me. In past moments when she has not known me, the trust has not been there. Yet she was unable to respond to me. She ate for me & held my hand while we walked, but it was like her body was simply on auto-pilot going through the human motions. She also had this calmness which I have not witnessed – probably since she became ill. And she felt peaceful. I have not been able to feel peacefulness in Jane in a very long time. Was she peaceful because she was in another world? Was she with those she loves who have already crossed over?

The last few minutes of my visit, Jane seemed to come back to me. She looked at me & smiled. But then the peace was gone. She was agitated & possibly a bit confused. She had been sitting calmly with me on the couch & now she was up & moving but not knowing where she was going. So why the sudden change? Had she entered back into our human world? And if she is beginning her transition to a new world, how long will it take? Will she suffer or will she simply fall asleep one day & not wake up?

These are all the questions running through my mind right now. No matter your religious beliefs, we are all going to die one day. And I suppose we will never really know what lies beyond until our number is called. I choose to believe there is an existence after we die. Right now I hope the transition for Jane is painless & comes when she is ready. I know none of us who love her will ever be ready to say goodbye – but we will have to be ok until we meet again. This horrible disease is winning & the Jane I have my weekly lunch date with is no longer the Jane who taught me to never take shit from anyone.