March 14, 2020

Went to see Jane Wednesday night after work – like I always do. But this time I needed to get out of work early because there were time constraints for visitors. Thanks to coronavirus & the real threat it causes to the residents of the memory care facility, the owner had put precautions in place. Before President Trump spoke & created mass panic for all, the reality was that this disease is a real concern to a facility like Jane’s. If the coronavirus were to enter the facility, it could easily become fatal to many. The residents already suffer weakened immune systems & they are in close quarters. I have great faith in the facility & the care the staff provide Jane & all the residents. I trust them to do what is needed to keep my stepmom safe. As of Wednesday, this meant screening all visitors before allowing them to enter the facility.

I had a chance to speak with Sean, the owner, before I left on Wednesday night. He’s been keeping a close eye on everything & shared with me how he intends to keep the residents safe. He shared this may mean locking down the facility. I told him he had our full support.

After I left, Trump would address the nation & mass panic would begin. While I believe people are over-reacting, I also believe Jane is one of those people truly at risk from the disease & I am grateful Sean is thinking with a level head & truly doing what is best for the residents. He shared with me & had shared with my dad the day before, he was considering locking down the facility – meaning no visitors.

This morning, I ran early with friends. I decided to stop by to see Jane on my way home because Sean had shared with my dad he was moving towards total lock down. I arrived at the facility shortly after 8 am & the lockdown was already in place. I was unable to visit Jane. I fully support this decision, yet so many emotions overcame me as I turned to walk back to my car.

I don’t like not being in control. I don’t like when decisions are taken away from me. Coronavirus has dictated that Jane is unable to receive visitors. I’ve long felt Jane only holds on because she knows someone she loves will come visit. Without visitors, will she finally stop fighting? How long will the lockdown be in place? What if Wednesday was the last time I got to see my stepmom? Did I say everything I needed? Was I fully present & able to provide her the love & peace she needs? Am I being a drama queen?

My visit on Wednesday night was like all my visits have been recently. Jane is mostly unaware & unengaged. I wanted to tell her about my Disney trip with my girls – she had no interest in listening. She used to love to hear my stories of adventures. Sporadically the light would appear in her eyes again & I knew she was there. She would look at me & smile. Those moments are so short & far between, if you aren’t watching, you will miss them. How is this life? It breaks my heart to think about all this horrible disease has stolen from my stepmom. My only hope is that the reason there is no light in her eyes is because her soul is somewhere else – somewhere happy & peaceful.

As my choice to visit my stepmom was taken away from me, it made me realize how unready I am to lose her. My visits are hard & tear at my heart, but the thought of not being able to see her, to talk to her, to hold her hand, well that feels even harder. I am grateful to have friends to lean on for strength – who allow me to bitch & moan & scream & never judge – just listen. I don’t know how I would get through this without them.

I hate this fucking disease.