March 1, 2017

Wednesday lunch with Jane:

Today was a challenging day. For sure Jane can get distracted while eating, but normally if I push her chair in close to the table & give her my undivided attention, Jane eats really well for me. Not today. Combative is not the right word, but she was definitely fighting me to eat. She tried many times to get up from the table (which if she does it means she is done eating for now) & seemed frustrated with me wanting her to eat. She even spit out some of her cookie – Jane has always loved dessert. I promised a walk after she ate but the entire time we sat at the table was a challenge. Jane doesn’t snack during the day so if she didn’t finish her lunch, she wouldn’t eat again until dinner. Jane may think that’s fine, but I worry – I want her to eat to get all the nutrients her body needs.

It’s a nice day here in Phoenix so once I convinced Jane to eat most of her lunch, we went for a walk. She walked incredibly slow today, yet did not want to sit down to rest. She simply wanted to walk today, even if it was at a snail’s pace. She did sit with me in our swing, but that didn’t last long. We snapped this picture & I showed it to her before texting my dad. She smiled at the picture & then she was up – ready to walk again. She didn’t even want to wait for my dad’s response to her text – normally she waits to hear what he says. She seemed to really want to tell me something today but just didn’t have the words. She was chatty, but it was all jibber jabber. And she didn’t want to talk to anyone but me today. We always pass people on our walk & the staff are all super friendly. Usually Jane responds to their hellos with a smile – not today. She just stared straight through them. And when the hairdresser tried to talk to her, Jane was cold as ice. I explained it was a bad day & luckily she didn’t take it personally & left us to be.

This disease is horrible. I hate watching it win – watching it take my stepmom away from us. I love the time I get with Jane & it means the world to me when she looks me deep in the eyes & smiles – it’s her way of telling me she loves me. But I hate that we rarely talk anymore. I hate that I can’t understand what she’s trying to tell me. And I hate to think she is suffering.