June 19, 2019

Lunch with Jane:

My stepmom was pretty distant today. The disease was winning. It seemed hard for her to engage. She did manage to smile when I told her I had homemade cupcakes for her today. She always told me she enjoyed the cupcakes from the store, but mine were her favorite.

I wish I could better describe what I mean when I say the disease is winning or that my stepmom is distant. The best way I can describe it is to say she is giving me the cold shoulder. She’s sitting in front of me, but it feels like her soul is a million miles away. Honestly, I hope her soul is a million miles away & not just trapped inside this monstrous disease.

We went outside after lunch & it was cool enough for us to visit under the shade of the trees. Jane wanted to hold my hand the entire visit, but that was the extent of her connection to me. I told her all about my race over the weekend & my running adventures while she listened. I don’t know if she understands on days the disease is winning, but I still talk to her in case she does.

My stepmom & I did not have the best relationship before she got sick. She could be incredibly cruel to me & I hated her. But then she’d surprise me & be incredibly loving, so I loved her too. It was complicated & I struggled with how to handle our relationship. If you’ve ever been involved in a verbally abusive relationship, I suspect you understand what I mean. I will admit, I often allowed the hurt to overshadow the good. But the disease has allowed me distance from the abuse. It’s allowed me time to heal & forgive. To understand our relationship differently. To revisit the good times with new eyes. To realize the positive role my stepmom played in my life, despite the abuse. Jane & I talked often. And I shared things with her I wouldn’t share with my mom or dad. Jane always had a different take on things – maybe because she hadn’t raised me or she could speak to me as a friend, not a parent. I took those conversations for granted. I miss them. What I wouldn’t give to have those conversations with her again. This is why I still talk to her about my life every time I visit. I envision her talking back to me & telling me how it is – not how I want it to be. I often ask her to promise to visit me after she dies for I believe then we will once again be able to have our two way conversations. Of course, she may do most of the talking to get back for all the listening she does now.

On my way out, Pepper the therapy dog, was coming in to do her rounds. I sat down on a chair so I could pet her & she jumped up into my lap. She was full of love & happily sat on my lap while I petted her & talked to her mom. Dogs are such amazing creatures. They always seem to know exactly what you need! I’ve mentioned her a few times in my posts, but I’ve never got a pic, so I told her today we needed a selfie. It took some convincing, but she finally looked at the camera for me. She is a hit with the residents & I love that she comes by a few times each week. Dementia is such a horrible disease – it’s nice to have some light.

I hate this disease