July 25, 2021

I’ve been asked by friends about my stepmom.

I no longer post about our visits, but that does not mean I have been absent from her life.

I have a standing date with Jane – every Saturday.

Thanks to covid, I must schedule visits. I’m no longer able to walk to her house to get her. I need to be let into the facility after they take my temperature. I must complete a questionnaire stating I am not sick & I have not been exposed to anyone with covid in the last 2 weeks. And yesterday, they asked if I am vaccinated. I respectfully refused to answer that question. No matter what my answer, I must wear a mask my entire visit so what does it matter if I am vaccinated or not?

I have to wait for Jane to be brought to me in the clubhouse & they will come get her to take her back to her home when our time is up. Yesterday, we had the place to ourselves. The week before, there were several other families visiting. I miss being able to visit with the other residents. And being able to chat with the caregivers. I will not miss all of these restrictions when Jane is gone.

But despite all the restrictions, I still visit Jane every week. It’s important. I know, somewhere behind this horrible disease, she is still there. She needs to know she is loved.

I feel she is deteriorating quickly. There is no light in her eyes & there is little connection between us. Yet she still easily takes my hand & holds it tight during our visit. I still talk to her about my life. I tell her I love her. And I beg her to stop fighting to stay in this life. I tell her I believe our souls don’t die – we simply leave our bodies. I talk to her about the freedom of letting go & how she won’t be leaving her family. I share my beliefs she will be able to watch over all of us from the spirit world. How she can visit me in my dreams & how we can continue our conversations there. I joke she can haunt my dad & flash on & off the lights in the house. Once she leaves this body, she will be free to be fun again. I know she hears me.

My stepmom is stubborn & she has fought a really good fight. But she’s tired. And honestly, I’m tired of feeling so helpless to do anything for her. I’m not sure what holds her in this world. But I hope she finds peace soon.

She barely moves anymore. She often drools – my dad says because she forgets to swallow. Somehow she still remembers how to swallow when she eats, but I wonder, will a time come when she chokes on her food because she can’t remember to swallow it down? Will she forget to breathe? How will the end come for her? Will it be peaceful? She’s been through so much. She deserves to simply lay down to sleep & not wake up.

This disease is such a horrible disease.

I hate watching my stepmom slowly taken away from those she loves. I hate the thoughts it puts in my head. I hope it all ends soon. She has been battling this disease well over a decade. When is enough, enough?