January 9, 2017

My dad is fighting a cold, so it gave me a chance to have lunch with Jane. We are very cautious not to get Jane sick. She didn’t seem to mind having me as her lunch date instead of my dad. Sometimes she tells me she prefers my dad.

Jane was a bit disoriented when I got there today. I found her laying on someone else’s bed – she didn’t realize it wasn’t her room. Once she focused on me, she recognized me & got up for me. We had lunch & then headed out for our walk. Jane is noticeably slower in walking & needs frequent breaks. We would sit in our swing & chat, but she seemed a bit antsy or agitated today & would’t sit for long. So we would make another lap & then sit to rest. She was much quieter today, but still seemed to enjoy my company. My sister Bobbi will be here next week with her 2 kids so Jane & I talked about that & counted down the days. Jane is very much looking forward to seeing them – as I know they are her too.

I truly hate this disease. I feel the end is near, but I am not able to really quantify what that means. Does that mean Jane will finally be set free of this body which has let her down? Or does that mean she is going to forget me completely? Is she suffering? Is she in pain? These are questions always running through my head. And each time I see her, I wonder if it will be my last. In reality, none of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but this unknown limbo I seem to sit in has been challenging. I do my best to be fully present with Jane & enjoy whatever time I have left. I hate this disease.