January 25, 2017
Wednesday lunch date with Jane!
The snowbirds slow traffic down here in the winter so I was a few minutes later than usual today. But Jane didn’t seem to mind. She was sitting at the kitchen table waiting for me & gave me a big smile as soon as she saw me. She ate all of her lunch for me but I don’t think she really enjoyed the cauliflower – she kept picking the end of it out of her mouth. Her caregiver, Emilee, brought Jane’s dessert with her lunch, which was a cookie. Mary (who eats at Jane’s table) kept trying to steal it. She was quite persistent & it was beginning to bother Jane. I said, don’t worry, I’ll protect your cookie, you taught me to be a badass. She looked deep into my eyes so I said – it was you who taught me to be a badass, wasn’t it? She thought about it & then said yes. I said well, then your cookie will be fine. That seemed to calm her down so she could finish her lunch before digging into her dessert.
The ability to speak mostly eludes Jane these days. I communicate with her by telling her stories & asking simple yes or no questions. She will either nod her head or say yes or no, though I do notice she needs to really concentrate if she is going to answer me with a word. Her weight is stable, yet when I look at her, I see her wilting away. She is only 65, yet in many ways this horrible disease has caused her body to appear much older than it truly is.
Jane still very much enjoys taking walks outside. She walks slowly & her body tires so we rest for a bit on the swing before making another round. Jane is no longer able to tell me she loves me, but I know she understands when I tell her I love her. She expresses her love towards me by resting her hand on my knee when we sit, patting my arm or giving me a hug. Often times when we sit together in the swing, I rest my head on her shoulder. She will lay her head against mine – another way to express her love.
I love my visits with Jane but I hate what dementia is doing to her. I miss her. I hate watching her body failing her. I hate that she is no longer able to communicate with words. I hate that she may be suffering & I don’t know how to ease the pain. Dementia does not only attack it’s victims – it also attacks their family. I know I will be sad when it’s time to leave Jane for the day. I know I will need to find something to lift my spirits. But no matter how sad I am when I leave her, I am so grateful for the time with her. Life is precious – we never know when we will be forced to say goodbye. So I do my best to make sure every moment I spend with my stepmom is valuable & I always tell her I love her. I also promise to look after my dad – her true love. I know the #1 reason she is still with us today is my dad. Their love is so deep & genuine – she’s not ready to let that go just yet.
