February 8, 2017
Wednesday lunch with Jane!
My dad called me this morning to say he thinks Jane had a seizure on Saturday morning. While none of the staff witnessed it, Jane had a bruise near her eye like she had fallen into something & she was showing all the signs we’ve seen in the past from her seizures. He said she had been getting better each day since Saturday. Honestly, had he not said anything, I would not have noticed a difference in Jane today. She was the same as she was last week. There was a lot going on in Jane’s house today & the 2 caregivers had their hands full so Jane was laying in bed when I got there. She smiled from ear to ear when she saw me & easily got up out of bed with my help & we walked to the kitchen to eat lunch. Mary (who shares Jane’s table) had already eaten so it was just the 2 of us – which was a nice change. Jane ate well for me & was antsy to get started on our walk. Usually Jane & I make a lap & then sit on the swing & talk for awhile but today Jane didn’t want to sit for long. We took this picture & then she was up & ready to move. She felt warm today & her hands were a bit clammy – though I don’t think she had a fever. But she didn’t want to sit outside like normal. We took another lap & then Jane led me into the clubhouse where we sat on the couch together. This is usually where she visits with my dad.
When we sat on the couch, Jane scooted closer to me & leaned in to me. She rested her head against mine & held my hand. We just sat quietly like that for several minutes & Jane would hum off & on. It felt like she was comforting me. I told her I loved her & I was grateful she was my mom. And I promised I would always carry her strength with me. She looked deep into my eyes as I told her this & smiled. She understood. I tell her every visit that I love her & that I do not want her to suffer. I tell her when she is ready to let go, she should & assured her we will all be ok. We have her strength & her love & that will get us through the heartache of losing her. Today she said yes – meaning yes we will always have her love & strength. I believe she is beginning to make peace with the inevitable.
Jane tired from our laps around her home today & was ready to go inside. Normally we will sit together on the couch & watch tv. But today one of the other residents had visitors & they were chatting in the living room so Jane & I sat back down at one of the kitchen tables to visit some more. While we were sitting, Jane looked at me & said Gary. This is common – she calls everyone Gary – her love for my dad is so strong, his name is the only one she has held onto. I said Gary will be here tomorrow. She said no – not Gary. That’s Jen. I said wow – yes I am Jen. She grinned from ear to ear & was so proud of herself for saying that. She hasn’t called me by my name in years. I honestly thought she had lost my name to the disease long ago. She recognizes me, but my name long ago left her brain. And then a little later she said mom – I’m mom. I cried happy tears & said yes – you are my mom & I am your daughter. She said yes & smiled.
If you have never experienced this horrible disease, you may think today’s revelation from Jane seems trivial. But for those who have, you know just how precious this connection was for both of us today.
I do not know how much time I have left with my stepmom. I do not know if she will forget me before she dies. I hope no matter how the end plays out, she never forgets how much she is loved.
