February 28, 2018

Wednesday lunch with Jane:

My Dad called this morning to warn me the last couple of days have been harder for my stepmom. He thinks she likely had a stroke or seizure on Saturday morning because she was showing the typical signs. These aren’t always witnessed & they aren’t big so it’s more just going off previous experience. Jane usually tilts more to one side, is very quiet, walks very slowly & just overall seems more tired & out of it than usual. On Sunday she didn’t want to get out of bed when her friend Joan visited – again a sign something had happened. Her body is usually very tired & she needs more rest. I grabbed Jane’s favorite cupcake today in hopes of making her smile.

I was already running late this morning – trying to accomplish too much work before heading out the door. And then the cupcake store was busy which delayed me longer. Usually I walk in, get my cupcake & am out the door in less than 2 minutes. Jane was sitting at the kitchen table but Emely had already fed her. Emely teased me for being late & said I fed her, but not dessert because she is waiting for her cupcake. Jane was very happy to see me & even happier I brought her a lemon cupcake. She reached for my hand, squeezed it tight, looked me deep in the eyes & smiled. Another resident needed some assistance so Jane waited patiently for me to help her & then made it clear no more interruptions. Jane savored every bite of her lemon cupcake, smiling at me often. I’m glad the cupcake helped. Emely would tell me later this is the most Jane has smiled all week (her shift runs Sunday – Thursday). When we finished the cupcake, I asked Jane if she would like to go for a walk. She smiled & grabbed for both of my hands to help her up.

It is cold & windy today here in Phoenix so Jane needed her jacket. We walked slowly back to her room to get her jacket. I could tell Jane wanted to walk today, but it took much effort for her to walk so her pace was slow & we stopped often. My stepmom has a runny nose today so we stopped halfway to the clubhouse so I could wipe her nose for her. I couldn’t get her to blow her nose for me so it was a matter of wiping her nose several times during my visit. Jane coughed & it was clearly in her chest. It didn’t sound good & then she coughed a couple of times while we were in the clubhouse. It doesn’t seem to bother her, but I heard the cough in her chest & yesterday she did not have a cough at all. I found Patty – the head nurse – before Jane & I walked back to her house & talked to her about my concerns. She told me she would stop over to see Jane in a little bit & see what’s going on.

Since it was cold outside, Jane & I opted to sit in the clubhouse today. As soon as I sat down next to her, she put her head on my shoulder & was asleep before I even finished the text to my dad. There was quite a bit of commotion going on today, yet Jane never moved. Clearly she is still tired. I stayed longer today & allowed her to sleep. I’m a little worried about her & just want her to feel better.

By the time we walked back to my stepmom’s house, Patty was on her way there. She went to check Jane’s chart & asked Emely if she had noticed the cough yesterday. Jane tried to sit in one of the chairs in the great room & almost missed sitting in it – she was on the arm of the chair. Luckily I was holding her hand & Patty was right there so between the two of us we were able to get her into the chair. I couldn’t get her jacket off of her & I could tell she was very tired. Emely came to my rescue & helped me convince Jane to take a nap. We got Jane into bed & I tucked her in. My stepmom looked at me but it felt like she wasn’t really looking at me. I am not sure how to explain it – she was there – but not present. It worried me a little bit. I leaned over & kissed her goodbye gently on the forehead. Jane closed her eyes. I left her door open & asked Emely to check on her in a bit. I know Patty or one of the med techs would also be checking on Jane to listen to her breathing.

I really hated leaving Jane today. Even though I know the best thing for her right now is just to rest. I hate how helpless this disease leaves me feeling. I am grateful for my empathic abilities & my connection to my stepmom but some days I just can’t help but feel like there is something I am not picking up on – or something more I am supposed to be doing. On days like this, I make sure I tell my stepmom extra times I love her & do all I know to do to comfort her.