February 20, 2019

Wednesday lunch with Jane:

Today was a challenging visit for me. Not due to anything with Jane. It was a visit just like the others over the last few months. No – today my challenges were triggered by my past interactions with my stepmom. But before I jump into that, let me quickly update you on Jane’s current state.

Jane was sitting at the kitchen table when I arrived. Bindu was preparing all the lunches & Emely was dealing with a situation with a rather challenging resident of the house. This resident had stood at the kitchen table & without any warning or asking for assistance, decided to pee all over the floor. Now, I appreciate there may have been a medical reason for this, but given the individual & her usual behavior, this is unlikely. More likely it was done on purpose. I share so you can understand the challenges faced by the caregivers & so you can understand how much I appreciate them for everything they do. I spoke with Emely before I left & this incident had really upset her. I shared how much our family respects & appreciates her & asked her to please not quit. This one individual may be a challenge & not show respect, but the other residents appreciate Emely & would surely miss her if she quit.

I sat down next to Jane & took her hand. She looked into my eyes & smiled. She said something which I believe was “how are you?” I ask her this question every day I visit so I believe she was returning the question to me today. She was alert & aware. My friend Melinda made cupcakes over the weekend so I kept a few for Jane in the fridge & brought them today. My stepmom always prefers homemade cupcakes & she wanted me to tell Melinda thank you for thinking of her. We took a short walk outside after lunch & went to the clubhouse to visit. It’s too cold for us to sit outside under the trees, unfortunately. I would have preferred the privacy – the clubhouse was busy today.

I’ve been listing to Mel Robbins’ new audio book entitled Take Control of Your Life. It has had a profound impact on me. It struck a nerve with me I thought had long ago been healed.

I don’t talk much about my relationship with my stepmom before her illness. I wasn’t always sure where it fit in & honestly, any time I have shared something raw, I was nastily told my one of her sisters it wasn’t appropriate. Man have I learned why Jane felt verbal abuse was ok! I have always had the intent to one day tell the entire story, but for now, I was telling the story of dementia. I have worked very hard over the last few years to forgive my stepmom for the way she treated me, to forgive my dad for not protecting me from the abuse & to forgive myself for staying in the situation. After all, I was an adult by the time things got bad. But what I learned while listening to this book – forgiveness is not forgetting. And forgiveness does not always mean you are healed either. Mel discusses verbal abuse in this book & I felt like it ripped open an old wound. The reality of how an abuser makes you feel was all too real for me. I found anger bubbling up in me – anger I believed I had let go of already. Clearly I hadn’t dealt with it entirely.

Here’s what I have come to realize this past week. This is my story of my relationship with my stepmom. It does me no good to sugar coat things or try to remember things better than they were. In fact, it actually makes things worse. Healing comes through truth. It comes by owning your story & moving forward. I can’t ever imagine Jane’s story or what caused her to behave the way she did. All I can do is own my story. Own the way I reacted to my circumstances & be as truthful as possible. My truth may change as I realize the impact this had on my life – but I won’t ever heal if I don’t talk about & own my story.

From my view, my stepmom was a jealous & controlling woman. She wanted my dad entirely to herself. That meant alienating family & friends. She successfully drove a wedge between my dad & his 2 best friends & had I not been so stubborn & such a daddy’s girl from long before Jane entered my dad’s life, I believe she would have successfully drove a wedge between us too. All of my achievements were undermined by my stepmom. Any time she could take a jab at me, she would. Most of the time they were small jabs, but they built up over time to take a major blow on my ego & self worth. I grew up with loving & supportive parents. Parents who told me I could do anything I set my mind to. I knew they believed in me. Their confidence in me gave me confidence in my life. I had a great sense of self worth & confidence when the abuse began by my stepmom. I honestly didn’t know how to respond to it. Her words of belittlement ate at me. It became fairly common for me to leave my dad’s house in tears – especially if my sister was in town or my cousin Amanda was with me. You see – when I had reinforcements, that seemed to make my stepmom angrier. I hated my stepmom. And if I’m being real, I was angry at my dad for bringing this monster (that’s how I saw it) into our lives.

It feels strange to me having all of these feelings of anger & resentment again. I believed with my whole heart I had released all of it. I love my stepmom today. I have forgiven her. I’m grateful dementia allowed me to do this. Dementia took away her anger, her hatred, her jealous tendencies. And when that was gone, we were able to have the kind of loving stepmother / stepdaughter relationship I had always wanted. But with this new level of awareness I sure wish Jane was able to talk to me. To explain to me why she felt the need for verbal abuse. To help me understand what I did to deserve to be treated so poorly. I said all of this to Jane today during our visit. She listened intently. I watched her eyes. I saw the sorrow overcome her. I’m sure she was reading the pain in my eyes. She reached for my hands & pulled them towards her heart. I know she feels remorseful. I know she did the best she was able. I don’t know what happened to her before she entered my life to cause her pain. I may never know. I may never understand. However, I am still breathing & still have my full mental abilities. I am able to heal the wounds & come out stronger. It’s time to speak my story, as I see it, in my words. And I hope one day, when Jane’s soul has left this body, she visits me & we have long talks full of understanding & explanations.