February 19, 2020

I didn’t leave work til 5 tonight. I work in sales & the afternoon was good to me. I was closing deal after deal. Had it not been Wednesday, I would have happily worked late -because when you are in sales, you keep a good roll going as long as you can. Honestly, I was feeling a bit resentful that I needed to leave work.

I don’t feel resentful about seeing my stepmom. That is not what I mean. I feel resentful that this disease is dictating how & when I see Jane. I feel resentful that I would rather work than have dinner with my stepmom. I can control the outcome in my job. I can’t control whether my stepmom will know when I arrive. Whether we will have a good visit or a bad visit. I feel resentful that this fucking disease is even a part of my life.

It was nearly 5:30 when I arrived to Jane’s facility, so everyone had finished dinner. Jane was slumped over in her wheelchair, sitting with several of the other residents. She looked at me with a cold, blank stare. Beatrice saw me & rushed to help me. She said Jane had been slumped over like this during dinner too. She went to grab the foot pedestals to Jane’s wheelchair while I tried to engage with my stepmom. I lifted her up & told her if she could sit upright we could go outside. She didn’t respond. I placed a blanket over her lap & we headed outside. I just hoped she didn’t fall out of her wheelchair. I hate feeling so helpless.

It was a beautiful evening in Phoenix & Jane & I watched the birds settle into the trees for the night as the sun slowly set. I talked to Jane, trying to figure out why she was so slumped in her chair. It was as if she didn’t even have the strength to hold herself upright. She grabbed my hand & squeezed onto it, but still met me with a blank, cold stare. It is eerie to look at someone & see no light in their eyes.

After about 30 minutes, Jane became aware. I could tell she was in control – or as much as she is able to be in control. She was agitated & distraught. Her face was covered in worry, sadness, possibly fear. She was in pain – it was written all over her face & I felt it in her emotions. I don’t think it’s physical pain. It’s emotional pain. And I have absolutely no idea how to help her. My stepmom is suffering. She has no quality of life. And yet here she is, hanging on. All I could do was try to comfort her. I pleaded with her to stop fighting, to just let go & allow this body to die. I talked of the beauty I believe exists when we die – when our souls leave our bodies. I talked of the calm & peace death will bring her. How death isn’t goodbye – it’s simply see you later. I talked again of my belief our souls never die – we simply choose to leave our human bodies. I told her she’s fought an excellent fight, but now it’s time to win by leaving this body. I talked of how death will bring the end of her suffering & also the end of the suffering of her family. And I assured her my dad will be fine – because I believe it is her love for my dad that keeps her holding on. But also because I know my dad will be ok. He will miss her terribly, but her death frees him up to live his life.

I wish I had some magic work to say to Jane to free her. I wish I could help her end her suffering. I wish I could convince her to stop fighting to hold on. I wish this fucking disease would stop torturing us & just allow my stepmom to die.

I hate this disease!!