February 16, 2017
Wednesday lunch with Jane was moved to Thursday this week. And I realize I am late posting about today. It’s not always easy for me to share my visit. But I know it’s important. I know Jane has people who love her & look for my updates. I know I have friends experiencing this same horrible disease with their loved ones & by me sharing my struggles, they know they are not alone. But that doesn’t mean I always want to repeat my visit. Some days, I would prefer to forget. Some visits I wish with different. Today is one of those days.
Jane was laying in her room when I arrived today. She had a shower this morning & I learned she was frustrated during the shower, which is not typical. Her bed is her safe place so that is where she goes when she wants to be comforted. I’m not sure she recognized me when I approached her today. I didn’t receive the usual smile & the light of recognition in her eyes. And she didn’t acknowledge me with any words – she was very silent today. She did allow me to help her up & brush her hair. She did hold my hand tightly as we walked to lunch so I know she still felt trust in me. But she was very distant. Like when someone is angry with you & intentionally gives you the cold shoulder. However, I know Jane wasn’t trying to give me the cold shoulder – it was the disease winning today. I know that because I did have a few short spurts of my beautiful stepmom. Like the smile when I showed her the picture of her great granddaughter Kimberlee with Enzo last night & told her Kimberlee & Amber were coming to visit tomorrow. Or the big grin I received when I opened the gate for us to walk outside & said, “we did it – we escaped!” Or the smile in the moment during our walk when she was in control – not the disease – and she recognized me. But most of our visit was spent with little or no interaction from Jane. She didn’t want to hear my dog stories today & she did not try to engage in conversation. She held my hand tightly, but other than that, most of the visit was spent with someone who wasn’t there. I’m not sure how to explain it – but those who have experienced this disease will understand. It was the worst I have seen my stepmom in a very long time. Was she just having a bad day? Had she been overstimulated earlier in the day & her diseased brain just couldn’t take any more? Will she be better tomorrow? I don’t know the answers. I do know she had a bath this morning & the landscapers were there today (making lots of loud noise which upsets Jane). And when Jane & I ran into one of her nurses while on our walk & Jane did not respond to her, I learned it had been a busy day at the facility & even Danielle was feeling a bit of overwhelm so perhaps it was just one bad day.
I will continue to show up for Jane even if she does get to a point where she no longer knows me – even if every day becomes a bad day. I will continue to hold her hand & do everything I can to comfort her. I will continue to tell her I love her & that her family loves her, even if those words loose meaning to her. I will continue to share my visits, even when it hurts, because I know my stepmom is a fighter & she would want people to understand the horribleness of this disease.
Tomorrow, Jane will receive a visit from her son, daughter in law, granddaughter & great-granddaughter & I hope with every fiber in my body they bring light to Jane. I hope their visit tomorrow is night & day from my visit today. And I hope my stepmom is not suffering – that if this evil disease is taking away her control, it also takes away any suffering.
