December 5, 2018

Lunch with Jane:

It’s a new month, which meant a new cupcake flavor. Chocolate carmel something. Jane said it was good but when I asked if she would like lemon next week she grinned from ear to ear & said “oh yes!” I love that she is still able, at times, to beat her disease & engage with me. The cupcake store I go to was sold to a new owner a few months ago. I miss the girls who used to work there – who remembered me every week & worried about my stepmom if I didn’t show up one week, for they knew I bought a cupcake every week for Jane. It doesn’t take much to make someone’s day – to show your support in difficult times. I wish I could go back & say thank you.

I was running late today so Emely fed Jane lunch for me. But she didn’t give her dessert for she knew I would have a cupcake. Jane was patiently waiting for me at the kitchen table when I arrived. She didn’t mind I was late – she was simply happy to see me. She reached for my hands, looked me in the eyes & smiled. She held onto my hands for quite some time, not willing to let go, despite me telling her I had a new cupcake flavor for her to try today. Had she been worried I wasn’t coming? Was she simply happy to see me? Perhaps she understood I needed to feel her love today. No matter what you want to tell me about dementia, I will never believe my stepmom is gone. She shows me too often she is very much alive & loves me deeply – despite having lost her words years ago. I suppose it is one reason I will continue to show up for her, no matter what, until she leaves this world.

Jane enjoyed her cupcake & then we decided to go outside. I asked Jane if I should get her coat so we could enjoy our visit outside under the trees. My stepmom looked at me & smiled – that means yes. I grabbed her coat from her closet & Jane did her best to help me get her into her coat before I grabbed her wheelchair so we could head out. My dad recently bought Jane a new wheelchair & she seems to feel more at ease in it. We said hello to a few of her fellow residents & then headed outside.

It was quiet outside & Jane & I had the courtyard to ourselves. My stepmom enjoys our quiet, individual visits. And honestly, I do too. I much prefer the privacy of the courtyard to the clubhouse. I talk openly & honestly with Jane & I don’t always want intruders upon our conversation. Today I shared with her my frustrations on the fairness of life. A friend of mine recently lost her husband to cancer & I was heading to his celebration of life ceremony after my visit. He was a year younger than me. He & my friend have young children who need their dad. My friend deserves more time with her love. How is this fair? I shared with Jane I feel a bit guilty I still get to see her & hold her hand while my friend no longer has that with her husband. Jane held onto both of my hands tightly & simply listened. I told her I loved her & I was grateful for my time with her. I told her when she is ready to stop fighting, I would be strong & make her proud. I told her I would miss her, but I would talk to her often in my dreams.

It’s funny the things a terminal disease makes you face. I suppose I am grateful for this time with my stepmom. This time I have been given to prepare, to say everything on my heart, to consider life without my stepmom. We aren’t always given a warning before we lose a loved one. We don’t always have time to prepare. So while it is incredibly painful watching my stepmom slowly slip away, I can’t say I would prefer it another way. Dementia has taught me forgiveness. It has taught me patience. It has taught me to be fully present & say what is on my heart. I used to be shy to tell people I love them – not anymore. I tell my family I love them & I tell my friends I love them. I say what’s on my heart in the moment. I do my best to show my appreciation to those around me. I give praise anytime I can – not to blow smoke up your ass but because I believe you deserve it. We all love to receive praise, yet we live in a world where praise does not always come easily. At the end of the day, people remember how you make them feel. I hope I am remembered for making people feel good. I try every day to be better. When I am frustrated & struggling, I try to find grace & look for the positive in the situation.

This is not the life my stepmom envisioned for herself. I don’t believe in her wildest dreams she ever imagined this as her life in retirement. I am positive she envisioned lots of time with my dad, her kids & her friends. I remind myself of this when I get lost in my head – trapped in my stresses of life & feel like I have nothing left to give to others. Life is short – it is meant to be valued. Make time for friends & those you love. You never know when that coffee date dinner date is exactly the pick me up your friend needed. Or maybe it’s exactly what you needed too.