August 22, 2018

Lunch with Jane:

Jane was sitting by herself in the great room when I arrived today. I hollered her name as I entered & she looked up & gave me a huge smile. I squatted down in front of her like I typically do so I am eye level to her & she reached for my hands. My stepmom was happy to see me – which always brings me joy. I asked her if she was hungry & she replied YES! So I said well, let’s get up & go eat then! It was a bit of a challenge for Jane to get up, but once she was up, she was ok to walk. She did try to sit on the couch when passed though so I had to convince her we were heading towards the kitchen table. One of the med techs happened to be close by so she rushed over to help me – just in case Jane tried to sit again before we made it to the table. Jane can’t always gauge where she is in relation to furniture & sometimes tries to sit where there is nothing to catch her.

Emely heard me talking with Jane from the kitchen so she met us at the table with Jane’s lunch. I truly am grateful for the care Jane receives. I know she is not just a resident to those who work here. And to give props where they are earned – on the rare occasion someone is hired who does not truly care for the residents, they are quickly removed. I don’t think you really understand how important this is until you have a loved one in an assisted living facility. Jane has lived here for 2.5 years & I’ve watched the staff mourn the loss of a resident when they pass away. I know they will miss her & they will mourn her loss. This matters more than I can explain. I try every time I am there to let them know how much I appreciate them.

Jane was hungry today & gobbled up her food. When it came time for her cupcake, she barely allowed me to take a pic. The only reason she did is because she knows I share our story & I tell her how people often ask me about the cupcakes. But she didn’t hesitate to eat it once the pic was taken. She was happy during lunch.

It’s hot & humid here today in Phoenix so I figured we better head to the clubhouse to visit. I grabbed Jane’s wheelchair from her room because she isn’t able to walk this far in the heat anymore & Bindu helped me get her settled. Jane is still a bit unsure of the wheelchair & it is challenging to get her in there alone. I was grateful Bindu rushed to my aid before I even looked for help. I wheeled Jane to the clubhouse & we settled inside.

The clubhouse is basically the community spot for the residents & their families. It is often quiet during lunch which is why Jane enjoys going there. But even if there are other families visiting, it doesn’t bother her. When you have a loved one battling this horrible disease it’s like you become part of a secret tribe. We all understand one another without speaking a word. I never feel like they are intruding & I don’t believe they feel we are intruding either. We are each simply focused on our loved one. There is also lots of people coming & going from the clubhouse & everyone enters from here. There is a lobby outside where all business is taken care of – or should I say is supposed to be. In an assisted living facility, you not only have the full time staff, but many “employees” of sorts coming & going randomly. There are various doctors, Medicaid reps & hospice reps. I will pass these people from time to time while I am with Jane & I never feel intruded upon or honestly anything but respect – except from this one woman. I’ve written about her before.

There is an older woman – my guess is she’s in her 60’s, who is clearly representing an outside vendor. My guess is she comes to see various residents, though I have honestly never seen her with a resident. She is typically sitting in the clubhouse writing something or when it’s nice outside & Jane & I like to visit under the trees, she is sitting there. She stays put for a very long time & it is always clear to me she is eavesdropping on my conversation. OK – I don’t like that in a regular situation – but in this situation – it makes my blood boil. My stepmom is in final stages of dementia. She & I often have very heartfelt, incredibly private conversations. I don’t share these conversations with anyone. I absolutely don’t want a stranger eavesdropping. And when I cry, she listens even more intently. Excuse my french, but what the fuck does she think she is doing?!?! I mean in what world is her behavior ok? She makes Jane mad too. So mad that she stood up to walk & we moved to the other side of the clubhouse – where the chairs are small & stiff – but where Jane felt we had a little bit of privacy. And then once this woman left, Jane stood up again & moved back to the comfy chairs. After she had left, Michelle (the hairdresser) walked in & came over to chat with us for a few minutes. She likes Jane & Jane likes her so Jane doesn’t mind when she stops to say hello. I mentioned the rude woman to Michelle & she said, “oh I know who you’re talking about. She gives me an icky feeling. Any time she is here, she eavesdrops on my conversations too – whether I’m chatting with a resident or no a private phone call. Bad behavior!”

As irritated as I was with this woman, I did my best to ignore her & not allow her to ruin my time with my stepmom. Jane had much on her mind today & much to tell me. She rarely has language anymore so it came out as jibber jash. But I could tell by her eyes, what she was telling me was important. I told her I loved her & I missed her. I begged her to visit me in my dreams once she leaves this body so we can have these important conversations. Tears were streaming down my face. Jane grabbed my hands & squeezed them tight. She was crying too. She no longer has the ability to shed tears, but she heaves in her breathing like we do when we cry. I assured her we will all be ok when she is gone – that we will look after one another & make sure my dad is ok. I felt like this is what she needed to hear. I know she worries about my dad, but she worries about her kids too.

I hate this disease!!