August 22, 2017

Tuesday lunch with Jane. I’ve been mixing my visits up which means new cupcake flavors.

Remember when I said last week the good days are what help me through the bad days? Well, today was a bad day.

Jane as not engaged today & honestly I am not sure if she knew who I was. I told her I had a new cupcake for her today & I did not get any kind of smile or reaction. I set it in front of her & she didn’t seem to care. She actually pushed it away when I went to feed it to her – that is a first. It took a couple of attempts before she would try it. Once she had one bite she seemed to remember that she loves cupcakes & she ate the rest no problem. But that was a first.

After lunch, we went outside, but it was warm today & Jane was tired. We simply walked down to the clubhouse & went inside. Jane sat down in one of the plastic chairs. They have nicer, more comfortable chairs & a couch but she simply sat in the plastic chair for about 10 minutes. Finally, when she was ready to walk again, she moved to the couch & we took this picture. She wanted to sit very close to me & leaned against me. She also held my hand at all times today. Perhaps this was her only ability to connect with me today.

I told her I had been successful at saving Denali (we had talked about this on Saturday & she helped me choose his name) & that made her lips turn up a bit. But she wasn’t interested in seeing his picture. Maybe next visit. Jane was very distant today – we didn’t talk much & I simply sat with her in silence. But today she was very adamant I don’t talk anyone else either. She got upset with me a few times when I spoke to one of the other residents – once when we were outside walking & then while we were sitting on the couch with her house mates. So she was alert enough to know someone else was talking to me.

Jane was very tired – I could see it in her eyes – but she did not want to lay down. Instead she wanted to sit on the couch with a few of the others. Neil – the loud mouth – had gotten in trouble & was taken to his room – so everyone watching tv were calm & quiet. They all acknowledge each other & seem to be comfortable with one another but don’t really talk. I often wonder if Jane talks to them more when she doesn’t have a visitor. My stepmom has always wanted your undivided attention so I am not surprised she is still that way today. Perhaps she is even more so today because she isn’t able to communicate back.

I hate the bad days. I hate to think Jane is suffering. I hate to feel her sadness. But I am still grateful for the small things. She holds my hand tight, leans against me for support, is still able to walk & still has an appetite. I know there may come a day when she does not recognize me at all – doesn’t want to be near me & hold my hand. I hope that is not the case but it is a very real possibility with this horrible disease. We don’t have any way to predict what abilities it will strip from her as it is different in every person. I like to believe the frequent visits keep me close in her memory – that it will help her to hold on to the memory longer – but we just don’t know.