April 4, 2021

Friday was my stepmom’s 70th birthday.

And for the first time in over a year, I was allowed to visit her.

There are pretty specific restrictions put in place for said visits & yes, I did break the rules by taking my mask off before taking this selfie with Jane. Please allow me to explain before you judge. Both Jane & my dad have received both doses of the vaccine so I feel confident they have followed all the recommendations to be safe. I am careful any time I am in public & have absolutely no signs of being sick or believing I have been in contact with anyone who is sick. AND – I never know when my visit will be my last with Jane. I do not want our last picture together to be one of me wearing a mask.

As I stated, there are many restrictions in place surrounding Jane’s visits. Appointments must be scheduled at least 24 hours in advance & are limited to a maximum of 2 visitors at a time. Visitation is only allowed between the hours of 7-3. Where we used to be allowed to wander the facility freely, now we are not even allowed to enter on our own. The staff must buzz you in & they take your temperature before allowing you in. You must fill out a form every time essentially declaring you are covid free & giving all kinds of personal info. The staff will walk you to either the courtyard or the clubhouse where they will bring your loved one to you. They will then retrieve her again at end of appointed visit. While the resident (Jane) does not need to wear a mask, you do & must keep it on – even when visiting outside. You are not allowed to interact with anyone else & you must socially distance. No hugs allowed – again – I opted to ignore this rule. I have not seen my stepmom in over a year. She has not been able to hold the hands of those she loves or feel their embrace of love for over a year. That is cruel & inhumane – period. I washed my hands & used hand sanitizer both before & after my visit with Jane.

The staff has been doing everything they can to give Jane the best care & help her feel loved. The balloons & banner to celebrate her birthday were from them, not me. The chef made Jane a special birthday cupcake. I’ve often shared how grateful I am to have Jane in such a loving & professional facility. While my heart ached to see my stepmom this last year, I never once worried about the care & support she was receiving. We experienced first hand as a family how a bad facility operates. I can not even imagine how bad these bad facilities have gotten over this pandemic & isolation of those in its care.

Before I left the office to meet my dad, I shared with my boss my worries. Would my stepmom remember me? How would she feel or react upon seeing me? How would I handle it if she had, in fact, forgotten me completely? How would I feel if she did not remember my dad?

My dad beat me there & was already sitting outside with Jane when I arrived. I am both happy & relieved to say she clearly had not forgotten my dad. Jane was having a good day – she was quite alert. I could tell she was so happy to once again be able to hold the hands of the man she loves. She looked intently at me for most of the visit, staring deeply into my eyes. I do believe she remembered me. Maybe not entirely who I am or what I mean to her, but she did seem to feel safe & relaxed with me there to visit. I wasn’t able to stay as long as I wanted, but long enough for Jane & I to begin to reconnect.

My dad scheduled me an appointment for Saturday & I went again – this time alone. I cherish my time alone with Jane. I share things with her I don’t necessarily share openly with others. And I just like to tell her what’s on my heart without judgement or concern from others. Saturday was much busier. The restrictions were higher. Again I met Jane in the courtyard, but this time we were not alone. There was another gal there visiting her loved one. We had plenty of space between us & were able to have private conversations. I could tell from her body language & the love in her eyes this isolation was hard on her too.

I lost an entire year with my stepmom due to covid & all the government restrictions in place. The caregivers have been overworked & taxed due to restrictions to keep the residents “safe.” We were told keeping those living in nursing homes & memory care facilities isolated from the world for over a year was in their best interest. We were forced to follow said mandates. I’m sorry – but I truly need to challenge whose best interest this served.

I am grateful for another opportunity to see my stepmom in person. To hold her hand, look into her eyes & tell her I love her. But my heart aches for the year she spent alone suffering, wondering why no one came by to visit anymore.

For those who have a different opinion, please just scroll on by & keep your thoughts to yourself. I do not judge you for your beliefs – I ask you give me the same respect. I began to share my story with Jane to share the honest, brutal reality of losing a loved one to dementia. Covid is merely a new twist. And I will continue to share honestly my experience of all that this disease has done to our family & our experience – through my eyes.

For those of you with a loved one in a facility, I hope you are able to visit again. There is nothing as comforting as holding the hand again of your loved one, looking in their eyes & being able to tell them you love them.