April 19, 2017

Wednesday lunch with Jane. Today’s cupcake was Boston Cream – though there really wasn’t any cream – a bit disappointed with today’s quality. But Jane liked it & that is what really counts. Next time she said we should try the peanut butter cup.

Jane rarely talks anymore. And she only will answer me yes or no on important questions like – what kind of cupcake do you want next? Carrot cake? No. Peanut butter cup? Yes.

Jane was sad today – I could feel it in her energy. And for the first time ever (at least with my visits) I really had to encourage her to walk after lunch. Normally she is rushing out the door because she so enjoys her walks. But today she got up from the kitchen table & walked over to the big chair in the family room & sat down. I was worried she wouldn’t want to walk today, but she finally stood up. Once she was up, she happily took my hand & lead me out the door. So maybe her brain was just really slow to remember she enjoys walks???

I talked with Jane like always & she just listened. Nothing seemed to make her smile. I said, “are you sad today?” and she nodded yes. I said, “how can I help?” Blank stare. So I asked, “do the cupcakes help?” And she said yes & gave me a half smile. So I will continue with the cupcakes until she tells me otherwise.

We rested a few times, but Jane seemed to enjoy being outside so we made a few laps. At one point, Jane stopped & bent down, almost like she was petting a dog. I said, “oh – is Jamie here visiting with us?” And Jane said yes & grinned from ear to ear. Jamie was my parents’ dog which Jane rescued from the Humane Society when I was in college. Jamie was a very special dog & was always very bonded to both Jane & my dad.

As we began our final lap & headed back to the house, Jane seemed very angry. She stopped so she could look me straight in the eye & she was trying really hard to tell me something, but only gibberish came out. But I could feel her anger. Was she angry because I wasn’t understanding her request? Angry this disease has taken her language away from her? I just don’t know. And as much as I tried to understand, I couldn’t, though I could absolutely feel her angst. We continued our walk until I felt Jane begin to relax. Then we went inside & sat on the couch for awhile, watching tv.

I still talk to Jane every time I see her & share my world with her. But she no longer reacts. Does she still understand my words? Does it just take too much energy to respond & that’s why she only responds when it really matters? I hate feeling helpless. Hate feeling like I am somehow letting Jane down because I’m not hearing her requests. I hate this disease!!!