April 12, 2017

Wednesday lunch with Jane:

I stopped by the new cupcake store by my house & purchased the pink cupcake Jane had requested last week. She recognized the box & was happy to see I did not forget.

Jane is really quiet most of the time now. She still recognizes me & still smiles when she sees me, but there’s not much sparkle left in her eyes. It makes me sad. What is she holding on for? I asked her today if she was scared & she said no. I said good because I believe there is a beautiful world waiting for you on the other side of this body which has stopped serving you.

Jane & I made a loop around her community & then sat to rest. She tires easily most days. While we were sitting, another resident of the community walked up & asked us if we were walking. I said not at this moment but we will once Jane rests. She said ok – can I join you? I said of course! I would find out her name is Pat. I’ve seen her around before. She was very kind to Jane, holding her hand opposite me. She never rushed Jane & was just happy to join us. Now, if you’ve been following my posts, you know my stepmom does not like to share attention, so by the time we made it to the clubhouse, Jane was done with our extra walker. Luckily Pat didn’t want to rest & Jane did so we happily parted ways without a scene. Our visits are getting harder. Jane rarely tries to communicate with me like she used to & she doesn’t seem interested in my stories. Yet she wants me to sit with her & hold her hand. So today after our walk, we sat on the couch quietly while Myron channel surfed the tv. I’m not sure if Jane understands the concept of tv anymore because she never seems to notice what is on, even as she stares directly at it.

I sat a little longer with Jane today. I don’t know why, but I just felt I should stay a little longer. She patted my hand a few times in assurance she wanted me there. As I was leaving, I chatted with a few of the residents who were sitting in the clubhouse. They are not as far progressed in their disease as Jane so they are able to have conversations. They always ask how my mom is & both the ladies I spoke with today told me they have dementia / Alzheimer’s. It’s makes me sad because I know the horrible the journey that lie ahead of them. One of the gals told me she jokes with her daughter they should go to the Grand Canyon together & she can push her over the side – on accident. She followed up by saying we joke, but I’m not joking. I said yes, I know & I am so very sorry you are on this same journey.

Dementia is a horrible disease. It robs the victim & their family of their lives. Does my mom still have the ability to choose when she takes her last breath? Or is she still here because the disease has also taken that ability from her? I don’t know because Jane is not able to tell me. As frustrating as it is to watch Jane fading away from us, I can not even imagine how frustrating it is for her. I hope the disease has been kind enough to take the knowledge of frustration away from her.