April 10, 2019

Lunch with Jane:

Some days, it’s really hard to go visit my stepmom. Today was one of those days. I just didn’t want to go.

I hate that I have to visit my stepmom in an assisted living facility.

I hate that I have to feed her lunch.

I hate that she can’t talk to me.

I hate that every time she fidgets in her wheelchair, I’m afraid she’s going to fall.

I hate that the other residents don’t also have visitors.

I hate that we never really have full privacy.

I hate watching my stepmom suffer.

I hate everything about this disease!!!!

And I hate that I feel guilty for having all of the above emotions. I feel like I am letting my dad down for not being the best version of me for Jane. I feel like I’m letting Jane down for not wanting to see her. I feel like I’m letting myself down because I’m normally compassionate & loving.

None of this is Jane’s fault. It’s no one’s fault really. It’s the disease. I share all of this ugly truth with you because I vowed to share my story openly & vulnerably.

The truth is – I’m tired. As a family, we’ve been battling this disease over a decade. It’s changed along the way & our struggles have been different but this disease has invaded our family for at least 11 years – probably longer & we just didn’t know it yet.

But no matter what, I show up for my stepmom every week. It doesn’t matter how much I don’t want to go, how hard it is to walk in those doors & put a smile on my face. Because her battle is worse. And she never gets a break from it. I’ve said it many times – when you love someone, you show up for them, plain & simple.

I hate this disease!!